Living the "Crumby Life"

My house is a wreck.

It wasn't a wreck until we emptied all of the unpacked boxes from the garage to our living room.

Plus- We have 2 cars in our garage!! woohoo!!
Minus- We have all of our unpacked boxes in the middle of our empty living room!  woohoo!! (<--not)

Moving is hard.  Moving with three children (ALL home for summer break...) impossible.  Seriously.  I might never ever ever move again because this has been so difficult.. but it has taught me to relax and eat the elephant one bite at a time, so they say.

A friend came over this afternoon to pick up something.  I knew she was coming today, but I did not know the time.  Quite honestly, I had forgotten she was even coming until she called me at 11 and told me she was on her way.  When I received the call I was in route to pick up Daxx from school.  (They only went a 1/2 day this first day... not cool people in charge... not cool... I need 8-2:30 minimum to get anything accomplished!!) Anyhow, since I was in the car with 2 tired and hungry children, I was unable to scurry around the house and pick up the bazillion pairs of shoes and the 1/2 eaten pieces of bread that were cluttering up my living room filled with boxes.

She was waiting in front of my house when I pull into the drive way.  So, not only does she get to see my insanely dirty house, but she gets a glimpse of my van... which is even scarier I am sure.   She comes in, we chat, she gets her stuff, she leaves... I throw food at the children and toss them into bed  (Just kidding!! )  I feed them lunch and then usher them to their rooms for naps and then I go throughout the house cleaning up from the chaos of the morning.

As I am picking up I become more and more irritated at the "snacks" that have ended up around my house.  Empty goldfish bags, banana peels breading colonies of gnats, containers with 4-5 Cherios abandoned in the bottom, and 8 cups halfway filled with apple juice!!  Whaaaaa!!!

My insides were screaming... "THIS. IS. RIDICULOUS.  I will never feed my children snacks again!!!"

In the midst of my frustration God gently said to me, "Heather... this is a season of snacking... For your children and for you." 

My children are young.  Their bellies are little.  They need snacks.  They also need meals of healthy filling food too.  Both are essential for them to be growing little people, happy and ready to learn.

This phase of my life is difficult.  It is requiring more of me than I can give so I must constantly be "snacking" on God's word throughout the day.  As I shuffled through my house picking up those stale crumbs that made it possible for my child to make it to their next meal without going into a low-blood-sugar induced coma, God revealed how he allows my soul to snack on Him.

Through Music; He fills me up.

Through scripture I have memorized; He fills me up.

Through fellowship with my family and friends; He fills me up.

Through silence and calmness; He fills me up.

Through listening to His Word; He fills me up.

Through finding beauty in his creation; He fills me up.

(The list goes on and on...)

In so many ways God pours into my life in perfectly small amounts, but those minute moments are sometimes the only thing that gets me to my next feast.  Without them, I too would end up on the floor in a "my-children-are-screaming-and-I-am-a-tired-Mommy" coma!

Snacks will be had, no matter what... no matter how hard I fight them, I live a "crumby" life right now and I must accept it.  Along with the crumbs my soul rejoices in the continual filling of the Holy Spirit, because without Him I am hopeless and I am ridiculous... and I am a mess too.

God is so gentle and full of grace, for Him to seek me out in these small ways and to care enough about me to nourish my soul in ways that I cannot describe is incredible.  I am so thankful I serve a God who cares, and a God who meets me where I am.

My Mom is the "SNACK QUEEN"... Every time we see her she brings the kids baskets of snacks.  I blame their bad habit on her.  ;)  

We Can Not Let the Silence of a Kid Occupied by an iPhone Fool Us..Put on Your Parent Pants and Say NO.

Disclaimer: The words said here are those of my own convictions.

A few months ago, on a normal weekday afternoon, the littles were sleeping and I was trying to "get stuff done" around the house.  Sunlight was beaming through the windows, peace ringing in the halls with the sound of sleeping children.  Warmth filled rooms and my clean floors glimmered as I dug through the junk mail that had piled up on my desk in our bedroom.  As I sorted the mail: junk, junk bill, junk, bill, bill, bill, my (then) 4 year old son was crouched on the floor, a cords length from the wall playing a game on "his iPhone", with a cracked face and scratched metal back.  Suddenly, his words pierced my ears, "I am going to KILL you" he whispered intensely under his breath, eyes zoned and locked on the three inch screen.  Time froze as I lifted my eyes from the messy piles of mail and looked over at him, then I began to process what he had said.   My tender heart was ripped in half as the heaviness of his words set in.  "I am going to kill you"??  Did he really say this?!?  Did those words leak out of my innocent son's mouth.... before my very own eyes?  In the walls of my protected home?"

Inside I came to a screeching halt, stopping at a crossroads in parenting, and it was one that demanded a choice of me.  A decision that would require effort, surveillance, and a little (eh-hem, cough, cough...) parenting.   I wanted to pretend I didn't hear those words.  I wanted to tell myself he was just kidding.  Thoughts flooded my mind like, "he is just a boy playing a game", "he didn't really mean he wanted to "kill" something", "this is all harmless play". But, alas, my conscience is not easily fooled.  I knew I had to put my big-momma-foot-down and make a stand in our family and say, "It is NOT okay to desire the death of anyone, not even those we deem as enemies. In real life and in a video-game-fantasy-world."  Something is innately wrong with words such as these coming out of a young boys mouth, a 4 year old people!    

I walked over to him, sitting on the floor.  I knelt down, reached my hand out and asked him to hand me his phone.   After he reluctantly relinquished the thin heavy phone into my hand,  I sat down and asked him what he meant when he said, "I want to kill you".  He said that he had to kill the character, (who happened to be Sandman) to get to the next level of the game.  He explained how he was stuck on this same level, and unless he killed this character, he would not advance.

Then, we got into a discussion about how "we" can never desire to kill someone, and this passion is not pleasing to God, not in the least bit.

What was my four year old son's reply to this philosophical thought you ask??  ....   He looked at me with the most serious face he could muster up and said, "Well Mom.  They don't actually die.  They fall down, turn invisible, and the invisible police come and take him to a jail..."

Well played, four year old son.  Well played.  (We are never too young to justify sin.)

That night Denver and I talked about it, about the intensity that games like this brings out in our son, and how emotionally connected he feels with the unfolding plot. We agreed on different aspects, and disagreed on others, but, we had to come head to head about what our nuclear family was going to allow and not allow in our home when it comes to media, games, and technology.

When we had our first born, iPhones were not on the market, the iPad was a distant thought and video games were played either on the computer or on a gaming system that sat in the living room of most homes, not in the pockets of 4 year olds.  Travel gaming systems existed, and educational systems were just "breaking ground" in middle income American households. This was not a conversation we had planned for... "Should our son play games on iPhones and iPads... what if it's innocent killing like superheroes and LEGO games? ... What are the lasting effects of this type of exposure at such a young age...??"  <--- ALL things we never had thought through.

Growing up, my family was always on the cusp of technology.  Our first Nintendo system came home when I was in first grade, I remember walking back to the sacred technology department of Wal-mart and picking it up.  We played every level of the original Mario Bros., we fell in love with Yoshi and drove a mean Mario Kart.  The Game Genie answered all our life's problems and we loved the paintball setting when playing Golden Eye on the N64 with friends.  I got my first AIM account in 8th grade, and was a senior in college when my University was prestigious enough to have "Facebook".  I downloaded thousands of songs on Napster (okay maybe hundreds) and remember the first viral video I watched of David Hasselhoff singing "Hooked on a Feeling" in my sorority house long before the days of YouTube.

When I was four, I played with roly-pollies and made mud pies all summer.  I played Mommy and Doctor, saving lives in my spare time, not dreaming of them to end.

My generation has grown up trusting in technology to fill our spare time, to schedule our events and build our friend list, but listen 30 somethings.... we CANNOT ALLOW IT TO PARENT OUR CHILDREN.

Over time our love affair with technology has set deep roots. As we have grown and matured, so has technology.   The Mortal Combat Game that your Mom was scared of at Crystals Pizza has nothing on the games that kids play today in our homes and around our dining room tables.   I am not ignorant, I know that this has been a problem for many years.  I understand that children have played games like this, but how young is too young?

Mothers, Fathers, Aunts, Uncles, Friends, Neighbors, Grocery-Store-Checker-Outers (Pretty much I am including everyone here!)... we have to take a stand and not let the complacency of a child occupied by a game overshadow our responsibility to guard the hearts of our children.  Our children are inclined to like things that are not good for them, they have a natural pull towards darkness because we live in a broken world.  To not recognize this is just what the enemy wants from us....

So after that conversation Denver and I set up a few guidelines that we have when it comes to games on media devices.  We decided that saying NO to every game and gaming system would be extreme in the world we live in.  If we expect our child to function well in their generation they will have to have some experience with media, but it is our responsibility to guide that endeavor.  This is what we decided on.  2 simple rules.

1:  No games that KILL- Period.  Nope.  None.  Zilch.  Zip.  

2:  Small increments of exposure-  Right now we set our timer for 20 minutes of "game time".   We feel in this time frame no obsessive tendencies can become habitual.  This is something that must be weighed for each child.  My son is more inclined to spend 4 hours on the iPad if left unattended, where as my daughter wouldn't spend more than 20 minutes on it if I begged her.

It took me months to gain the courage and come up with the words to post this.  For one I was embarrassed to admit that this had even happened in my home on my watch and secondly it is such a touchy topic.  Your convictions might not be the same as mine, and I AM OKAY WITH THAT.  We must each live in the light of our individual convictions and this happens to be something that God is working out in our family right now.  

We highly value the truth that Psalm 19:14 holds for us as adults and for our children.  "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer."  As a parent in this situation I have the responsibility to expose the ugly places that sin creates in the hearts of my children.  If I recognize them and turn my head or choose to not confront it, I am only allowing it to fester and become a larger problem for them in the future.  

Thank you for reading and PLEASE feel free to comment and share what works best in your family because we are always looking for new ideas on how to approach technology's intrusive invasion of our home.

Where there is no vision, the people parish...

Lately, I have been reading through the book, "Finding Your Purpose as a Mom" by Donna Otto with a group of women at our church.  We are 5 or 6 weeks into the study and it dawned on me that I have never intentionally explored my role as a mother and home-maker.   I have done many-o-study on having a healthy marriage, or being a better friend, having courage, or breaking chains... but  have never taken an intentional Biblical look at my role as a Mother.  (Side Note: I say the word "Home Maker" not as a job title, because even women who work, are essentially still the ones who "make the home" for their families.  I just don't want to confuse that phrase with the "job title" some SAH mother's give themselves.) (Moving on.)  I have really enjoyed this book and digging to the roots of motherhood and my role in my home.

First off, I think society has put the cart before the horse when it comes to our homes.

Girls, we must take back our homes from Pinterest, we must take back our homes from HGTV, we must take back our tables from The Food Network.  Instead of spending hours preparing the perfect croque monsieur (which is a fancy French grilled cheese) to present at our dining room table, we must first have a vision for the laughter, the manners, the conversations that are to be had there!!  The beautifully painted canvases and charming mason jars mean nothing if you do not have bonds of friendship and trust between family members.   I would choose a self confident child over a hand made "quiet book" on Pinterest that took me 16 hours to make.

When you close your eyes and picture a vision of your home, does it go deeper than the color of the walls, the dream of marble counter tops and the smell of Ina Garten cooking her famous slow-roasted-filet-of-beef-with-garlic-parmesan-mayonnaise in your kitchen?  (which sounds kinda gross to me, but I googled "popular Ina Garten recipes" and this was at the top of the list...)

I am going out on a limb here and sharing something with you that I feel is a little private...."My Vision".  Nothing is on this list that I want to hide from you, and maybe it will be an encouragement to someone.... so I am posting it anyways.  (I still feel like I am sharing a page out of my diary with you; your'e welcome.)


This is my vision for my house.  Sketched out for all to see.  You may agree with it, you may not... that's okay with me.  (that rhymed, *sigh*) Your vision for your home might be completely different, or it might look parallel to my own.  But, the question I am going to ask you is:

Have you purposefully and intentionally mapped out a vision for your household?

Until last week, my answer was "no".  I would defend that "no" with excuses like:

• My vision is in my head...
• I want it to be full of love (and warm fuzzies), laughter and joy... (the more vague the better)
• The vision for my house is ever changing... 

But to be frank, I had never been asked to write my vision down, and I have never had enough self discipline to do it on my own, I am too busy washing clothes and changing diapers!!  In chapter 4 of Finding Your Purpose As a Mom, the author asks you to specifically map out a vision for your house hold.  She asks you to ask yourself questions like:

• What does it smell like?
• What do people notice when they walk in your home?
• What is heard in your home?
• Who do you want to see in your home?

Questions I haven't let enter my mind.  Besides my husband, I am solely responsible for setting the tone and the atmosphere of my home.  This task is up to me, and me alone.  There are few things in this expansive world that are totally dependent on me, and my home is one of them.  Am I viewing it with this much importance?   I have been viewing the "keeping of my home" as a chore, rather than a responsibly or a privilege, and to be completely transparent I haven't really had an "end goal" in mind.  I am in need of a serious reformation.

This last weekend we went to my husband's grandparent's house for the day.  The drive is around 45 minutes and since I have had motherhood, homemaking, parenting, etc at the forefront of my mind I started to consider his grandmother's home.  

His grandparents live on approximately 5 acres in a valley nestled outside of a small town in southern Oklahoma. It is the epitome of peaceful.   Mammy (his grandmother) is an avid gardner and in the summer time you are greeted with overflowing impatience and caladiums.  She is also a talented home decorator, in her day she would probably have given David Broomstead a run for his money on HGTVs "The Next Design Star".  She has perfectly hand picked every decoration, piece of furniture, and picture hanging on the wall with intention and purpose.  They live frugally, but have an abundance of wealth.  Their relationships are rich, their hospitality priceless and their love is genuine.  The moment you walk in the front door you are greeted with a smile and warm embrace, you smell the fresh clean air, and you could eat the comfort up with a spoon.  If his grandmother has any forewarning that you are coming over, something is baked and waiting for you. As the homemaker, she has created a legacy within the walls of her home.  This atmosphere of peace does not happen by chance.  She has poured years of her life into her family and her home, making great sacrifices along the way because she knows those whom she loves are worth it.  

My husband's grandparents have been married 55 years (I think?), and her home is still ministering to people.  (specifically to me)  Her vision for her home did not stop when her children grew up, married and moved out of the house.  Her relationship with her grandchildren runs deep because the time and energy she invested in them, opening her home to them for weeks in the summers, and attending nearly every sporting event each of them had.  Now that she has great-grandchildren, her home is filled with new toys for babies, toddlers and kids.  In the summer, they fill up the kiddy-pool days in advance so the water can be warm upon the kids arrival.  Her home is her ministry.  (And as a side note his grandpa is a saint, but I am specifically focusing on the womans' role in the homemaking today) 

Do you know someone with a home like this?  A home that someone has poured their life into?  A home that is grander than a house, one that exudes acceptance, grace, and love the minute you walk in.  A home that ministers?  (I know of several, this one has just been on my mind recently) 

Proverbs 29:18 says "Where there is no vision the people parish."  Maybe this is why the "family" has perished in our society.  As mothers and as fathers we have neglected to sit down and make a vision for our homes, a vision for our family, a vision that extends past the years our children are at home?  The culture we live in requires our nose to be constantly on the grindstone and when it comes to our families, either we are too busy to be intentional, or we are just too.dang.tired.  (I understand! Mee tooo.)  We must pause and consider to what destination we are leading our families?  That direction directly affects the generation you are raising and can set a path for future generations to follow.  You, as a parent are the catalyst in your small nuclear family, where are you taking them?

Let's get serious for a second.  Would you be aimless, half-hazard or reckless if you were given a longterm task at work?  

NO

If you were starting your own company, would you write our a 15 page business plan? (Well, you would have to if you were applying for a loan.)  

If someone tasked you with planning a community wide event; the planning process begins with a vision, and then it takes months and months to execute.  

Or say you were given a longterm goal to reach, would you sit down, map out where you want to go, and devise a plan on how you will get there? Of course you would. 

Maybe you respond by saying, "Um, hello Heather... I am NOT a CEO or an event planner, or a community strategist.  Why is that relevant?"  

I respond by asking, how much more significant are our homes and families than the "important" events, goals or businesses these jobs are created for?  If an "event" requires that much planning and forethought, shouldn't we put a tiny amount of mental effort into the strategic planning of our homes? 

In Donna Otto's book, she provides an example of how to map out the vision for your home.  I simply started by drawing a little house in the middle of a piece of paper.  From that I listed the things I most wanted to see happening in my house.  The smells, the noises, the sounds.  Some of them will not be a reality, like "no trash" or "no plies", but it is a vision I have, nonetheless.  (I value a clean and open house, over clutter and junk; that is my preference.)   When putting pen to paper, I dug through memories I had as a child, experiences I have had as an adult, things I value, people I love and I considered what I want my children to remember, and what I want my future granddaughter-in-law to feel as she walks through my doors.

I challenge you to do the same.  Write out the vision you have for your home.  It can look like mine, it can be a list, it could be an interpretive dance if you are so inclined, but do it.  DO. IT.

It sounds cheesy, (I know, I felt that way too.) but it is therapeutic and so helpful.

Thanks for reading.

2 final thoughts: 
- You don't have to be married or have children to have a vision for your home.  Young couples, one parent homes, grandparents or singles should have a home with a purpose, just as much as homes with small children should.
-I am sure over time, my vision will evolve to fit the needs of my maturing family, but for now: this.is.my.vision.

Toddler Sized Devotions

Now that I have a 5 YEAR OLD son, (I just cannot believe it!) we have started having short little devotions around the breakfast table each morning.  Don't be too impressed, they take 5 minutes and really I do it for multiple reasons.  

1. Biblical Foundation: I believe the younger you can talk to them about The Bible, God and Jesus, the better.  Deuteronomy 6: 6-7 ⁶ These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. ⁷ Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 
2. OFFENSIVE Parenting: As the mother/father you know the anatomy of your family.  You know what your children are struggling with.  You can use this time to bring up issues that you want to have healthy dialog about when it is NOT in the heat of the moment.  IE: your child easily loosing their temper, not sharing, hitting, etc  Direct the conversation in the direction you think it needs to go, and explore why they are resorting to specific behavior by talking about it in a controlled environment.  I call this offensive parenting... Not "Offensive" by offending, but "Offensive" by playing the offense.  Strengthen your offensive approach to parenting so you don't have to always resort to defensive parenting: "parenting in response to a negative action". 
3. Prepping them for School:  This is a great time to train your child to listen while you are talking, to take turns, and to know when to interject.  It is great practice for their patience  while a "lesson" is being given, and sets them up for success in school.  At times you might have to redirect them 3, 4, or 5 times, but finishing the devotion is the most important. <<<--- This is why I think it is best to choose a SHORT and SWEET devotion.  Nothing to long or in depth.  Start small, and feel out the dynamic of your family. 

Right now we use the very short, very direct, very cheap "30 Very Veggie Devos...".  I believe the price tag reads $4.99 and I bought it on sale.  So I didn't even spend $5 on our book.  And even though it is a "30" day devotional, we've been reading out of it for 3 months.  The kids have no clue, and I just haven't gone to get a new book yet, ha.    I love this devotional because each day has a scripture, devotional reading, 2-3 topical quotes and a short prayer.  Honestly it takes up less than 5 minutes to read through it.  

At the back of the book is a list of "memory verses" which we recently started implementing. 

Cheap and easy, what could be better?!?

How We "Do" Devos:

The kids eat breakfast at the table, and after everyone has their food we begin.  This is what works best for us:

1. Read the devotion through.
2. Child led discussion of the devotion. 
3. Finish eating breakfast.
4. When they are ready to leave the table they must recite their memory verse to be excused.  And, yes, my 2 year old can even do this!!  The memory verses have always been very short, it is not a chore.  

I usually write their memory verse on the chalkboard fridge in the kitchen.  This week I drew pics for them to remember.  Daxx and Zadie begged me to draw Dutch, and after stepping back and admiring my art work, he does look a little inappropriate, eh?   

My children have such big muscles. 

I just wanted to write this to encourage you to implement something this easy and short around your kitchen table.  It takes little (to NO) planning, but what a sweet precious time it is.  This is one way to "train" your child, by exposing them to the word and having active dialog about things that are eternally significant.

What do you DO? Let me know if anything has worked well for your family.

Thanks for reading.  :)