Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Baby Fingernails: The Deadliest Edged Weapons Ever

Last night Denver was holding our 9 month old son who was trying to grab his nose over.over.over and over again.  He looks at me and says:

Denver:"I wish we could declaw our baby."

Me: "You mean like how they declaw cats?"

Denver: "Yes."

Me: "That would be so cool.  You would be helping out the parents and the babies.  Think about all those babies with cuts on their faces because of their razor sharp nails, and think of the anxiety a parent has because they have to cut their paper thin nails...this could be the best idea you have ever had!"

Denver: "I bet some people would think it was inhumane"

Me:  "Obviously they have never been cut with tiny baby-samurai-sword-finger-nails. THAT. Is inhumane."

Baby fingernails are the worst.  They come into the world with weapons of mass destruction.

I am sure you have seen this chart before, but it is so hilarious I had to share again!

I love it when some tells you to "bite them off"... YEAH RIGHT!?!  Have you ever tried putting a week old infant's finger into your mouth... you feel like your teeth are as big as a brontosaurus' and you could possibly take off their entire first knuckle, also known as a distal phalanges.

Then someone says..."You should file them"... Um. No.  My least favorite part of getting a manicure if when they break out the sandpaper and saw my nails off.... OUCH!  So, no.  I cannot do that to my infant.  I just cannot. No. Way.  I might as well run their fingernails across the proverbial chalk board to solve my problem.

Okay.  Then push comes to shove.  Your baby looks like they have been mauled by a pack of stray cats and they have self-inflicted microscopic battle wounds all over their face and YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING... So you break out the clippers.  You can be brave and use regular sized clippers... but no... we can't settle for something so simple, can we Mothers?  The "baby-marketers" have invented 47 different types of clippers.  Clippers with a magnifying glass (which don't work), clippers with a long handle (which don't work), clippers with safety guards (which don't work), and my VERY FAVORITE clippers with a flash light!!!! (which I haven't tried, but plus they are only $4.99... they might be worth it because they are so.stinking.awesome.) 

Okay.  Then there is the battle on WHEN to cut them.

"Cut them when they are sleeping."  This is what people tell you, but in reality it works for the first 4 days of the babies life.  Plus, if your baby is sleeping, cutting their nails is not on your priority list.  Hello!!  First things first, like napping, showering, eating, or just sitting in a silent room with the lights off regaining sanity?!!?  Remembering to cut teensy flimsy nails is not at the top of my list when I have a free moment.  Plus, the thought still makes me break out into a cold sweat.

Here is my theory: I give them a good trim when they least expect it. While they are playing with their toys, I just gently grab a hand and clip away.  Yup, they will be uneven, maybe even jagged, but at least they can't grow a crop of potatoes under them in the next week.  Bonus!!

And IF I HAVE ANY ENTREPRENEURS READING MY BLOG... Listen up.  If people are willing to sit at a kiosk in the middle of a mall and get their eyebrows "threaded"  I guar-an-tee you they would pay $5, maybe even $10 for a "Baby Finger Nail Clipping" service.  New Mom's have NO SHAME. AND... it might even be a trend.  This is my business plan.

  • Competitors:  NONE, you HAVE NO COMPETITION because this idea is ahead of it's time... SO POUNCE. Now!  
  • Placement: Right outside of Baby Gap in the mall hallway... or in the front area of a local TARGET... both are hip places to be "seen" with your baby strapped to your bosom tucked sweetly in their snug Ergo carrier, or strolling in the tandem B.O.B.
  • Target Audience: New Mothers. First timers, Second timers... heck... even this "third timer" would give it a try!  
  • Marketing:Make them believe that they will "DE-PHALANGE" their child if they attempt this dangerous task on their own. Place giant blown up pictures of babies crying with bandaged fingertips on one side, then next to it, a baby with cute manicured fingers and a smile, wearing a onesie with awesome-chevron-logo of course (Because all new Mom's love Chevron...while your at it make the Chevron Gray because all Mom's love gray too)...  
(See,  I have done all the hard work for you...) 

So.  There is my fingernail rant.  They are sharp, they are dangerous, you can't escape them, they will never disappear, the more you cut them-the faster they grow dun, dun duuuun..... BABY FINGERNAILS!!!

So... do you think society would find it acceptable to "Declaw" babies?  I think we have a good argument...? ;) (I kid, don't worry) 


  1. Love the blog! I still remember the first time I had to cut Avery's nails and I accidentally caught a small bit of skin drawing blood, I was crying as hard as she was! Seriously traumatizing stuff. After that I had to make it into a game to distract her and help her stay still long enough to focus on not amputating a finger. Now I take her hand and do the whole ooonnnneee *clip*, twwwwooooo *clip*, thhhhreeeee *tickle* and it works like a charm, for now. I'm sure she'll realize that the stuff that happens on three isn't quite as exciting as she thought, but for now I will be thankful she's still little and finds me funny.

  2. Courtney!! I did the same thing with Daxx, I clipped the entire top of his finger off. I think he was a month old (maybe!) I felt horrible. I guess because of that I continue to have anxiety when I think of clipping their little nails... ha. Then Dutch, he kept scratching up his own little face... I just can't win. Ha! I like your method. I will have to try that!


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